|
edit SideBar
|
FAQ
General:
- Q: What does FAQ mean?
- A: I have no idea, but I've frequently been asked that question.
- Q: Why did you make this website?
- A: It gave me something to do during short breaks from incessantly picking at paint flecks on my bedroom wall.
- Q: What qualifications do you have that gives credibility to this website?
- A: Any numb-nuts can put something like this together. I'm not sure what you mean by "qualifications" or "credibility".
- Q: Where do you work?
- A: Getting kind of personal now, aren't we? In any case, I'm not sure what you mean by "work". I'm hired as a public school teacher, if that's what you're getting at. Mainly, I just drag myself in to my classroom early in the morning and drag myself back home in the afternoon. I don't really keep track of what happens in between too much. I assign a lot of student-directed work. Once all of the pre-made worksheets get handed out, there isn't a lot left to do. I manage the boredom by scheduling catnaps back at my desk, such as the 8:10 catnap, the 8:25 catnap, the 8:58 catnap, and so forth.
- Q: What kind of pets do you have?
- A: Several kinds. I have the stroking pet, the scratching pet, the massaging pet, the fingertip pet. I can pet a number of different ways.
- Q: What kinds of animals do you have?
- A: About the same as other people have: dust mites, an occasional cockroach, sheep out front, and goats in the back.
- Q: Who do you like better, the Onceler or the Lorax?
- A: I'm really not into reusing stuff, ya' know? Like when I read that my newspaper is made out of 80% recycled material, I can't help but think that it used to be wiping people's butts.
- Q: Are you somebody?
- A: No, I'm "nobody", idiot! That is one DUMB question.
- Q: What is herpetology?
- Q: What is a herpetologist?
- A: Someone who has herpies.
- Q: What is a herp?
- Q: What do you think of Steve Irwin, Mark O'Shea, and Austin Stevens?
- A: TV makes each of them look 10 pounds heavier (maybe 20 for Irwin).
- Q: How can I tell the difference between a reptile and an amphibian?
- A: Amphibians are loathsome, disgusting, slimy critters. Reptiles aren't slimy.
- Q: What does it mean if I dream about snakes? or frogs? or some other reptile or amphibian?
- A: It all means the same thing: you're asleep.
- Q: What advice do you have for someone who would like to start keeping herps?
- A: I disagree with many experts that suggest a kingsnake or cornsnake as a first pet. Go with something super-serious; I'm thinking mamba, spitting cobra, saltwater croc, or such like. This way you'll know IMMEDIATELY whether or not you're cut out for keeping these kinds of animals. Make sure you have plenty of space inside your house for the animals to roam freely; they hate the confinement of cages. Also, if you have any young children be sure to teach them that "hissing", "rattling", "hood-spreading", and other similar behaviors mean that the animal is not currently in the mood to be played with, but they may come back in an hour or two and see if things are better.
Snakes:
- Q: What is a snake?
- A: A bad dude who cheats on his girlfriend.
- Q: Why don't snakes have legs?
- A: They did. Then God took care of that.
- Q: Why do snakes have a forked tongue?
- A: Not all snakes have a forked tongue. Some have a spooned tongue and others a knifed tongue.
- Q: How can I tell a good snake from a bad snake?
- A: No need getting caught up on the finer details. All snakes are bad.
- Q: How can I tell if a snake is venomous?
- A: Let it bite you. It may take several bites to be sure since venomous snakes sometimes deliver dry bites.
- Q: What is a dry bite?
- A: A bite from a very thirsty snake.
- Q: What is a pitviper?
- A: A kind of Dodge vehicle parked in a big hole.
- Q: Is it true most snakes will leave me alone if I don't bother them?
- A: No, they will do whatever they can to come after you and kill you.
- Q: If I'm bitten by a snake, will I die?
- A: Yes. Someday. Just like everyone else.
- Q: Should I kill every snake I see?
- A: I don't see the point in this. People have been doing the same thing for years and years. Snakes are pesky and resilient, like mosquitos. Until people stop pittling around and actually get serious about driving snakes to extinction, I don't see that killing one or two or a handful is going to accomplish much. Of course, if it makes you feel more macho, I'm all for it!
- Q: How do you feel about rattlesnake roundups?
- A: I think they are great. What other event allows for such a public display of humans really handing it to frightened and humiliated snakes and teaching them who's boss? Plus, the collection process keeps a lot of little cracks and crevices in the middle of nowhere free of dangerous snakes that would otherwise be there to bite skinny little kids trying to squeeze themselves into little cracks and crevices in the middle of nowhere for no reason.
- Q: What does it mean if a snake is a constrictor?
- A: It means the snake is working on a thinner waistline. Snakes are odd little creatures. You should never insult one by saying it is on a "diet"; rather say it is "constricting".
- Q: I have a dreadful fear of snakes. How do you suggest I overcome this fear?
- A: Have a friend collect 10 or so snakes and put them into a bag. Try not to think too much about it. Now, as quickly as you can, reach into the bag and grab a snake. Keeping grabbing, one after the other. As you pull each one out of the bag, bite its head off! Be a crazy maniac! When you finally stop to think about what you've done, you'll realize that your fear of snakes is completely gone.
- Q: Is it true that a snake won't die until sunup?
- A: Snakes, like vampires, just seem to prefer to die at daybreak. I can't explain it either. If you must kill a snake at night, do it a favor by shining a bright flashlight on it after you've chopped it in half. It'll think it's daybreak and keel over on the spot; no reason to make it suffer through the night.
|
